My eating disorder story

This year has been a year of great changes for me.

I have learned to stop blaming myself for everybody’s unhappiness.
I have learned to love my body no matter how it looked.
I have learned to open myself to others.
I have learned to keep a positive attitude no matter what.
I have learned to be happy.

I couldn’t have done that without my parents’, my boyfriend’s/best friend’s help and without going vegan and finding out about the vegan community.

My parents where first to notice that there was something wrong with me last Christmas. They saw that I wasn’t eating, that I was constantly unhappy, that I was almost a shadow of my former self. After long discussions they finally persuaded me to eat. It brought about many good things to my body and mind. I had more strength, I was thinking faster and clearer, I had better marks at school, my contacts with other people had greatly improved… But after some time, despite all these benefits, I started once again to see myself as fat and ugly. I told myself:

Adela, you’re definitely eating too much. Wake up! You won’t be skinny if you eat all of this!

And it all happened again. I stopped eating. I was hungry all the time. I survived the whole day on an apple with something else for breakfast and a tiny dinner to keep up appearances. I also did cardio everyday, because I thought that only by working out I can be slim and prevent the food I ate that day (almost nothing) from making me fat. I worked especially after I binged. Yes, that’s other thing. There were days when I binged at the evening after I didn’t eat anything throughout the day. (I think I had a binge/purge type of anorexia, because I was losing weight. I don’t think it was bulimia because I’ve heard people with bulimia are not usually losing a lot of weight.)

It was like a sinusoid. My diet was fluctuating. I once starved myself and then had to use laxatives to fight constipation, consequences of which I have to fight even now, and the other time I came round and ate properly and had a more or less good digestion.

One day, I decided to finally do something about this and have a proper diet, have no more problems with constipation and just look good, feel good and feel happy. I started a diet created by Cassey Ho from Blogilates. I used to work out with her for some time then and I really liked her workouts and what she conveyed on her channel. I started her diet and her workout calendars. It was a good combo, but then I thought:

Man… I would need to eat only those foods for the rest of my life? Nooooo… that’s impossible.

So I quit, but still worked out and ate clean and regularly. It was at the beginning of the summer holidays. I had sometimes those thoughts that I look too big because of the muscles that grew and then I stopped working out, as a result of which I had to eat less, which was hard, and sometimes gained a bit of weight, that usually led to days of eating nothing.

But how did I find out about veganism? Well, I went on YouTube as always and saw a video in ‘suggestions’ about one girl’s anorexia story. I clicked on it. It was terrible, I am so sorry for her. But through this video I got to know how veganism helped her fight her mental illness and that it helped many many girls all over the world. I wanted to find out more about this so I watched more videos and read some articles. Then I was sure that it was something I had to do. I talked with my parents and even though they were sceptical about the ethical side and even the argument of lactose they agreed if it was to help me.

After a few weeks my period came back. I got it after almost 4 months! I have never been so happy. You may think why, nobody likes having their period? Well, I really want to have children. I know I found the best man possible and we were actually planning their names and how it would look like. But how could I have children if didn’t get period? I was afraid of becoming infertile. That’s why this period in July was like a blessing. I was the happiest girl on period in the world!

Of course at the very beginning it was pretty hard for me to find the recipes, to cook, not to cheat on some animal products… Ok, I still cheat sometimes, but I’ve been vegan for only about 5 months. Right now, I cheat really really rarely and these are mainly sweet things, like cakes or cookies.

In spite of my cheating, I love love love this lifestyle. I’ve never felt better. My skin has finally cleared up. Even though I had some breakdowns I finally started to love my body even when (or better especially when) I gained weight. I feel happy. I have loads of energy. My brain and my thoughts are clear. I have good marks at school. I don’t feel guilty when I eat. I eat any time I want and how much I want. I don’t think about calories and about how fat I will become. My digestion has improved.

The benefits are E N D L E S S. I could not be more grateful for this lifestyle. Apart from my physical and mental health, I also feel that when I eat no living being has suffered and that feels so so good. It is like… you eat in harmony with other living beings and with nature basically. It feels truly amazing.

If somebody tells you that you can eat only grass on a vegan diet or that you have no energy whatsoever than he is completely wrong. When you go vegan you thrive. But you have to remember to eat sufficient amount of calories and drink water, because if you don’t do that, your body and health will deteriorate no matter if you’re plant based and not. Food options on a vegan diet are huge. There are so many recipes on the Internet. You will not get bored, I promise.

I don’t want this post to be any of the kind: Go vegan you animal eater! So many cows and pigs suffer because of you! You are insensitive, callous and you have no empathy at all! Eating plants is the only way possible and acceptable!

No.

I just want to tell you my story. My journey as a vegan teenager who suffered from an eating disorder. I want to convey the message to all these girls out there who struggle with eating disorders that it doesn’t have to be this way. Your lives can change. It is possible. Just try the vegan lifestyle. Think of it like this: how can you get fat eating only fruits and vegetables? How can you get fat eating rice? (you’ve seen Asians being skinny and they eat quite a lot of rice)

I hope this was helpful.

I also wanted to say thank you to all the girls on the Internet that helped me go through this:

Stefanie from NaturallyStefanie
Cami from SupremeBanana
Cassey Ho from Blogilates
Kalel from Kalel
Lindy from Bubzbeauty
Caitlin from From My Bowl

Girls… you are not perfect. You’re not like many other youtubers or instagramers that live a perfect life and have a perfect body who just make others feel jealous. You are all beautiful and you really inspire me. You taught me how to love my body and enjoy life. Thank you!

Thank you dear reader for reading through all of this. I hope it wasn’t too boring for you.

Love you
Adela

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4 thoughts on “My eating disorder story

  1. jidapachangin December 28, 2015 / 4:54 pm

    Thank you for posting this Adela! I find it genuinely inspiring. I have been a vegetarian for three months now. It was the biggest decision I’ve ever made. I still nibbling on dairy products for some time but it has been an incredible journey and it has given me the best joy ever in life. It makes me feel great both physically and emotionally. I feel amazing about myself and that I never count calories anymore. I am glad this lifestyle has brought so many great things to your life and most importantly you feel great about yourself ;)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peas and Love December 31, 2015 / 10:09 am

      Thank you Tam! It is incredible how one decision can change your life, isn’t it? ^^ I am glad to hear that you feel great about yourself and that you’re happy. It still amazes me how our diet influences our mood and perception. I mean, when I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables I am very happy all the time, but when I stop or eat less for a few days my mood instantly goes downhill. It’s crazy! Is it the same with you?
      I wish to both of us to always be that happy as now ^^

      Like

  2. Sophie December 30, 2015 / 12:58 pm

    Hi Adela.
    I’ve been reading your posts for some time, however this one made me cry. I was doing shopping and reading it on my mobile and I genuinly broke out in tears in public.
    And even though, it’s hard for me to say that I’m a fan, cause I’m struggling with personality disorder and it’s really hard for me to tell what I like and dislike. (Like one day I’m in love with such gentle, positive attitude such as yours, and just want to hug you and wish all the best, and the other I’m just envious and grumpy and can’t stand anyone (cause it feels like its everyone) doing better than me, but I’m trying everyday to be kinder to myself and not hurt anyone in the process too.), I still greatly value your attitude.
    Especially since I don’t know how to deal with my self-esteem. I come out as selfish and arrogant (and I believe for the most part I indeed am), but I don’t like who I am and can’t stand being alone, cause being forced to focus on myself is too terrifying. I don’t know how to accept or give love. As if I was a broken machine. I despise myself, both in terms of personality and looks. I’m loud, annoying and clumsy. And even when I stopped caring about my weight (about 98lbs for 5’4 ft, but I’m not tring to lose it anymore) I hate my body type. Even by exercising I can’t change the fact that I still look fat. I have wide hips and thighs, big chest and round face. Doesn’t matter that I’m mostly eating clean, only sometimes I cheat slightly, cause I’m also on wheat-free diet and I get sick of not finding pleasure in anything, even eating. But it’s inspiring to know people like you have recovered from illness. I just wanted to tell you that it was really moving to read your story. Good luck in life and I hope you become even stronger. Lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peas and Love January 1, 2016 / 3:42 pm

      Dear Sophie.
      Your comment was so touching. I’d really want to help you if I might.
      I think that if people see you as arrogant and selfish, then maybe it is a perfect time to change those traits? Maybe by trying to be more kind to others? For example, try to say kind things to your friends, like: “you have a really nice dress” or “I like your nail polish”, you know just simple little things or try to be a bit more generous, which also is related to being kind. Maybe this would be a great start to learning how to give love :) Because that is what giving love is about in my opinion – being kind to other people, especially to one’s you care the most about. What is more, accepting love means giving love, in my books. Look, if someone is nice to you, then being nice to him/her as well can actually lead to you becoming friends and if someone is nice to you and you reply rudely, then they will probably turn away. Right?
      Accepting love = Giving love
      What helped me with loving myself was changing my attitude. Changing things I looked at and cared about. Not caring about the number on the scale was the first step for me. Then I tried to see those good features in my physique and emphasize them. What I mean here is that you tell yourself that you like your smile or your hair and try to smile more or something and when you look into the mirror just concentrate on those things and tell yourself “I might have wide hips, big thighs and a round face but I have a beautiful smile people love and gorgeous hair”. I know it might sound impossible to you but believe me, if you are consistent in it, it will pay off sooner or later. I think it works just the same with your character. It is harder of course, because you have to overlook your bad traits, which obviously you see as the biggest ones and unfortunately they dwarf your good qualities. But here people who like and love you can lend you a hand. Maybe you can just ask them about what they like in you? And well… there must be at least one person who likes you just the way you are and this person can truly help you out. I know it from my own experience :)
      And what about food… I’ve noticed a great upsurge in my mood when I started eating loads of fruits and vegetables. They actually became a staple in my diet :D Right now, I am all the time happy like I’ve never been before. Even when there are problems in my relationship or at school or at home, I still can see things in rose coloured spectacles (or at least try) which is really helpful. So maybe try to eat more of fresh raw fruits and vegetables? Change for example your breakfast to a delicious fruit smoothie, take to school/work an apple or two and eat more vegetables than everything else for you dinner. This is not a big change but may also really help you.
      I hope I showed you some ways how to deal with your problem. I wish you so so so much good luck and everything the best in life. Have faith and be strong darling ♥

      Like

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