My eating disorder story

This year has been a year of great changes for me.

I have learned to stop blaming myself for everybody’s unhappiness.
I have learned to love my body no matter how it looked.
I have learned to open myself to others.
I have learned to keep a positive attitude no matter what.
I have learned to be happy.

I couldn’t have done that without my parents’, my boyfriend’s/best friend’s help and without going vegan and finding out about the vegan community.

My parents where first to notice that there was something wrong with me last Christmas. They saw that I wasn’t eating, that I was constantly unhappy, that I was almost a shadow of my former self. After long discussions they finally persuaded me to eat. It brought about many good things to my body and mind. I had more strength, I was thinking faster and clearer, I had better marks at school, my contacts with other people had greatly improved… But after some time, despite all these benefits, I started once again to see myself as fat and ugly. I told myself:

Adela, you’re definitely eating too much. Wake up! You won’t be skinny if you eat all of this!

And it all happened again. I stopped eating. I was hungry all the time. I survived the whole day on an apple with something else for breakfast and a tiny dinner to keep up appearances. I also did cardio everyday, because I thought that only by working out I can be slim and prevent the food I ate that day (almost nothing) from making me fat. I worked especially after I binged. Yes, that’s other thing. There were days when I binged at the evening after I didn’t eat anything throughout the day. (I think I had a binge/purge type of anorexia, because I was losing weight. I don’t think it was bulimia because I’ve heard people with bulimia are not usually losing a lot of weight.)

It was like a sinusoid. My diet was fluctuating. I once starved myself and then had to use laxatives to fight constipation, consequences of which I have to fight even now, and the other time I came round and ate properly and had a more or less good digestion.

One day, I decided to finally do something about this and have a proper diet, have no more problems with constipation and just look good, feel good and feel happy. I started a diet created by Cassey Ho from Blogilates. I used to work out with her for some time then and I really liked her workouts and what she conveyed on her channel. I started her diet and her workout calendars. It was a good combo, but then I thought:

Man… I would need to eat only those foods for the rest of my life? Nooooo… that’s impossible.

So I quit, but still worked out and ate clean and regularly. It was at the beginning of the summer holidays. I had sometimes those thoughts that I look too big because of the muscles that grew and then I stopped working out, as a result of which I had to eat less, which was hard, and sometimes gained a bit of weight, that usually led to days of eating nothing.

But how did I find out about veganism? Well, I went on YouTube as always and saw a video in ‘suggestions’ about one girl’s anorexia story. I clicked on it. It was terrible, I am so sorry for her. But through this video I got to know how veganism helped her fight her mental illness and that it helped many many girls all over the world. I wanted to find out more about this so I watched more videos and read some articles. Then I was sure that it was something I had to do. I talked with my parents and even though they were sceptical about the ethical side and even the argument of lactose they agreed if it was to help me.

After a few weeks my period came back. I got it after almost 4 months! I have never been so happy. You may think why, nobody likes having their period? Well, I really want to have children. I know I found the best man possible and we were actually planning their names and how it would look like. But how could I have children if didn’t get period? I was afraid of becoming infertile. That’s why this period in July was like a blessing. I was the happiest girl on period in the world!

Of course at the very beginning it was pretty hard for me to find the recipes, to cook, not to cheat on some animal products… Ok, I still cheat sometimes, but I’ve been vegan for only about 5 months. Right now, I cheat really really rarely and these are mainly sweet things, like cakes or cookies.

In spite of my cheating, I love love love this lifestyle. I’ve never felt better. My skin has finally cleared up. Even though I had some breakdowns I finally started to love my body even when (or better especially when) I gained weight. I feel happy. I have loads of energy. My brain and my thoughts are clear. I have good marks at school. I don’t feel guilty when I eat. I eat any time I want and how much I want. I don’t think about calories and about how fat I will become. My digestion has improved.

The benefits are E N D L E S S. I could not be more grateful for this lifestyle. Apart from my physical and mental health, I also feel that when I eat no living being has suffered and that feels so so good. It is like… you eat in harmony with other living beings and with nature basically. It feels truly amazing.

If somebody tells you that you can eat only grass on a vegan diet or that you have no energy whatsoever than he is completely wrong. When you go vegan you thrive. But you have to remember to eat sufficient amount of calories and drink water, because if you don’t do that, your body and health will deteriorate no matter if you’re plant based and not. Food options on a vegan diet are huge. There are so many recipes on the Internet. You will not get bored, I promise.

I don’t want this post to be any of the kind: Go vegan you animal eater! So many cows and pigs suffer because of you! You are insensitive, callous and you have no empathy at all! Eating plants is the only way possible and acceptable!

No.

I just want to tell you my story. My journey as a vegan teenager who suffered from an eating disorder. I want to convey the message to all these girls out there who struggle with eating disorders that it doesn’t have to be this way. Your lives can change. It is possible. Just try the vegan lifestyle. Think of it like this: how can you get fat eating only fruits and vegetables? How can you get fat eating rice? (you’ve seen Asians being skinny and they eat quite a lot of rice)

I hope this was helpful.

I also wanted to say thank you to all the girls on the Internet that helped me go through this:

Stefanie from NaturallyStefanie
Cami from SupremeBanana
Cassey Ho from Blogilates
Kalel from Kalel
Lindy from Bubzbeauty
Caitlin from From My Bowl

Girls… you are not perfect. You’re not like many other youtubers or instagramers that live a perfect life and have a perfect body who just make others feel jealous. You are all beautiful and you really inspire me. You taught me how to love my body and enjoy life. Thank you!

Thank you dear reader for reading through all of this. I hope it wasn’t too boring for you.

Love you
Adela